May 072013

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

I had an eye-opening moment.  One that has made me pause and consider doing a little soul searching as to what I’m letting into my heart.

Last week, my husband and I found ourselves sitting on the floor of our bedroom closet doing some grueling sorting for our move.  We had to decide which clothes would accompany us to our temporary residence and which would go into storage until we purchase a home.  My job was even more agonizing, having to also decide which clothes I will fit and grow into over the next several months while I finish out my pregnancy.  If you’ve ever tried to predict what size you’ll be as your pregnancy progresses, you know how difficult this can be.  Not to mention our move entails a change of climate.

It was in this moment I caught a true, unfiltered glimpse into my heart.

And it was brutally disappointing to me.

My husband asked how my decision process was coming.  I quickly explained which piles were which.  My husband pointed to a handful of my favorites clothes still on their hangers, “what about those ones?” he asked.

What was my honest reply?  “Oh, I won’t fit those ones until I’m all done being fat.”

The words came out sharply, disgustingly and with far too much ease.  I quickly covered my mouth with both hands, eyes wide with shock.  Like an adolescent who had just said her first swear word in front of her parents.

“I mean, until I’m all done being pregnant…”  was all I could muster out to correct my previous response.

I sat there, baffled as to how that could have been my response without hesitation?

My first pregnancy was a surprise.  Due to my past struggle with food and body image, I immediately began meeting with a therapist.  We worked on this very concept.  Whenever I thought, “I’m getting fat” or “I’m getting big”, I was to practice replacing those demoralizing thoughts with the truth: “I’m growing a baby.  A beautiful baby”.

This is now my third pregnancy, not my first.  How could I be back to what feels like square one with this concept?  Giving myself such little grace? Wearing blinders as to how beautiful a baby in the womb really is?

In reality, I know I’ve made progress over the past five years – I’m not truly at square one.  But my comment sure lends itself to an awakening as to what my internal, subtle thoughts are about myself, my body and my baby.

What kinds of things am I thinking deep within as I get ready in the morning?  Am I being a critique or speaking truth to myself?  I’ve learned that the things that come out of my mouth in an argument or when I’m frustrated are a good gage as to the contents of my heart.  The private thoughts we store up in our hearts, eventually come out.

This is a continuous area I am asking and relying on the Lord for healing.  I can not do it on my own.  I need His truth, His perspective, His eyes to fill up and overflow out of my heart.  My intentional step to speaking truth to myself this week is to tape these verses to my bathroom mirror.  To remind myself to let truth, love and grace saturate my heart.

“As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects man.” Proverbs 27:19

Have you ever said something that reflected something surprising in your heart?



© 2012 Standing on Peace