I learned something about myself this week: when it comes to not having control of my body – whether it be weight, body shape or the health of it – it is really hard for me to trust the Lord.
Over the past few months, I’ve been having some health issues. Nothing overwhelmingly major, but frustrating and inconvenient nonetheless. I’m on a special diet to ease symptoms (which is another post – so overwhelming!), I’m completely fearful of any further doctors visits, and I’m at times discouraged how it affects my quality of life with my family.
This past week I began feeling a little more desperate for healing and a little more anxious that something more might be wrong with my body.
My husband could sense my discouragement, confusion and suffocating fear. He lovingly sent me off to exercise with no pressure to figure out dinner or put the kids to bed.
As I began sweating out my anxieties, the flood gates opened and I began weeping hot, desperate tears.
And I recognized this scene was very familiar to me.
At one time, I was desperate for healing from my eating disorder. At another time, I was desperate for healing from pre-cancerous cells in my body. Both times, my faith was small, limited and brittle. Both times, I was sent spiraling out of control – to the point of depression each time. Because I thought my God wasn’t as big as the threatened illnesses.
“For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.” Psalm 116:8-9
I realize when it comes to my body, I want control. I want to dictate what it looks like, feels like and how it even functions. This is the area of my life where my hands are in a white-knuckling grip. And I know God is pleading me to give it to Him.
I climbed off the elliptical machine and laid flat on my back on the floor. I laid my arms out, palms facing up toward heaven and I prayed.
I prayed a prayer of release. For the ability to let go of the control and simply trust Jesus. For my faith to increase. For the Lord to help me with my unbelief: He is able, He is good, He is in control. For the ability to learn from this. For Him to be glorified through this. For another chance to experience His peace amidst a storm.
“Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Mark 14:36
I have been praying this open palmed prayer all week. With hands literally open to Him. Before I get out of bed each morning, when I feel the anxieties arising during my day and again as I lay in bed each night.
I know I’m not alone in this. I am so thankful for my husband and all the girlfriends who have encouraged me this week and reminded me of the Lord’s faithfulness. One of my girlfriends shared the “coffee corner” verse with me and I’ve been meditating on it all week:
“The Lord Almighty has sworn,
‘Surely, as I have planned, so it will be,
and as I have purposed, so it will happen’.” Isaiah 14:24
Are you having to trust the Lord with something that is not in your control? How are you releasing your grip and keeping open palms?
© 2012 Standing on Peace